i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
