Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
