I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
