i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
