the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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