$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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