I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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