Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
