I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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