dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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