I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
