i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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