i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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