So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So much rum. So many feels.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
