i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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