Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
