is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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