i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
