Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
