You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dear god my vagina.
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