I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
