Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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