you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
