it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
