if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
