I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
