Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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