Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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