My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
