it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
