Will you blow on my dice?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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