I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
