FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
