Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
two words: eviction party
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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