Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
