I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
this boner is exhausting
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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