Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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