If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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