Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
