sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
