I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
