Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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