I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
