overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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