dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
