I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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