Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
