Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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