i would one night stand the shit outta him
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
