My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
