If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
