my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
