4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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