On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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