so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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