and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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