You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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