All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
