Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
