She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
